Of Darkness and Despair...

 

It was last year that I read Em and the Big Hoom by Jerry Pinto. He was invited to TISS to talk about his book and after a brief book- reading session, I scrambled my way towards him, to get a signed copy for myself. Reading the book was nothing short of a cathartic experience. By the time I finished reading it, I'd left the last few pages badly tear- stained. But this post is not about the book. It is about the issues it deals with, with immense candour. 

Depression and its variants are not uncommon phenomena in today's times. We often read about stress, mania, bi-polarity etc. in the media or hear about people's stories of how they suffer from and deal with such 'conditions'. I feel that sometimes the very word 'depressed' is abused to no end. You'll often hear a friend or colleague complain that s/he is 'so depressed', with little understanding of what it entails. But while the awareness has at least helped bring these issues out in the open, the stigma attached to anything even remotely related to one's 'mental state' and the hushed tones it is discussed in, remain. Seeing a counselor, a therapist, or God- forbid, a psychiatrist are seen as complete no- no. They are considered as signs of weakness or giving up on the person's part and his/ her inability to deal with issues in his/ her life, family, work, or relationships. 

But it is not so. And I can say it with the utmost conviction because I have been there, done that, and am still in the process of doing it. I have seen an elder I love deeply, fight depression for the last 30 years. I have seen her highs and her lows. I have loved her despite her moods, hated her in her manic phases, and admired her for she has kept going no matter what. She sought treatment at a time and age when it was unheard of and though I am in two minds about the effects that long- term medication has had on her, I don't think she had an alternative. 

Depression is supposed to be genetic and I have probably been blessed with some depressed genes too. The biggest problem with it is that it is not so apparent unlike a wound, a cold, or other such 'physical' problems or illnesses. The most popular medical interpretation of depression, that still dominates, is that it is a result of a chemical imbalance, specifically low levels of serotonin, in one's brain. But all said and done, only the person who is fighting it, day and night, is acutely aware that s/he is in pain, needs help or support, has suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self- injury, and craves for someone or something that will either bring everything to an end or make it okay. On the exterior, everything might seem fine and from personal experiences, I can say that I am able to lead my daily life, work, study, and socialize to a fairly normal degree. But the moment there's a serious external stressor, some of us, including me, might not be able to handle it in the best possible way. 

Whenever such phases have come in my life, I have encountered two kinds of people: one, who will brush my issue under the carpet; refuse to accept that I am going through something that I find terribly difficult to handle and sustain myself through; abuse me for being obsessive or out of control; and simply ask me to "be strong and get on with it". The second kind are the more empathetic souls who also want me to buck up and be strong but not before accepting me for what and how I am in that phase. This particular way of dealing with people including me, in our not so great phases, requires enormous patience and understanding and can leave the other person utterly frustrated; but it is also a sign of understanding, love, and care. Mollycoddling might not be the solution, but so isn't denial.

I have come to accept that I am fighting early signs of depression. Some have accused me of using a mask of depression to gain sympathy or wriggle my way out of dealing with problems. I tried to justify myself to these people, but then gave up when I realized that they had already made up their minds. It all boils down to the fact that each of us has a unique way of coping. Some swear by sheer will- power, training one's mind to be determined, working out, de- cluttering and prioritizing. But that stage, of even being able to take the decision of re- gaining control over one's life and thoughts and beginning the journey of self- discovery and recovery, can stay aloof for a long time for some. 

Till then, keep at it. This is my shout- out to all those who feel darkness and despair engulfing them and don't know what to do. Don't be embarassed to ask for help. You are not alone. And most importantly, you are not a freak or an abnormal person.