I woke up at 6 in the morning today. Mumbai for a change is chilly these days. I tried to snuggle deeper into my blanket, forcing myself to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I was hurting from last night's argument with a beloved. I was hurting from the lack of understanding. Or rather, the indifference.
So, I switched on my laptop, thinking I'll watch the new season of BBT to distract myself. But before that I thought, "I must read the news." And there it was. "Delhi gang- rape victim succumbs to her injuries." Apparently, she fought hard and died "peacefully". I was stunned for a second. All of us have been closely following the case- the extent of her injuries, her fight for survival, the last ditch attempts by doctors to save her.
The constant, incessant coverage had somehow strengthened my belief that she would live. No matter what. That she would walk out the hospital one day. Be with her loved ones. And get justice.
Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. I felt my blood boiling and the tears welling up in my eyes. I felt anger. Betrayal. Sadness. A sinking feeling that all was lost. The world didn't feel worth living in or dying for.
This whole case had become a media circus. Fodder for panel discussions, reason for demonstrations, and an opportunity for our politicians to give their two- bit nonsensical opinions on how sorry they felt for her and in the same breath, how she should not have been out late and how she should have given in to the rapists-- it would have at least "saved her intestines." Really?! Can we get any more ridiculous? One can argue with logic and reason. Not with sheer stupidity.
It is just not fair. I am a woman. I want to live freely. Do as I wish. Study what I want and how much ever I want. Marry if and when I want. Go out where and when I want. I don't want to start my mornings with men leering at me at the railway station. Or waste time staring at my wardrobe and evaluating the appropriateness of my clothes. I don't want to worry about the time of the day or night. I don’t want to worry about whether my family understands me, whether my boyfriend gets me, whether my future husband will be a sexist douchebag or not. So what if I am a woman? Does that make me a lesser person? Does that give anyone the right to rule my life, my beliefs, and most of all my body?
No! And that’s not some feminist ranting as many would like me to believe. I just want to BE, damn it.
So what now? Now that she is no more, we will mourn her loss and move on in a few days. We will forget until another rape comes along to jar us out of our comfort zones. And why just rape? I am violated every single day- when a male friend gives me gyaan on how after TISS, he won’t be comfortable with a doormat for a wife but he’ d like her to limit her ‘feminist’ views. When another tells me that I am a fake feminist if I cry. When my relatives tell me I should get married, lest I should lose the glow on my face. When a female professor reprimands my friend for wearing a skirt to class. When I am made to doubt myself and my take on love, sex, and relationships by those close to me. When my bottom is pinched or my breasts ‘casually’ brushed against.
I am not going to take any of this lying down anymore. I am not going to feel like a prisoner in my mind, body, or soul. I don’t want pity. I don’t need to justify myself. And neither should YOU. Feminist or not. Woman or not. This is not us over- reacting, crying, or PMS- ing. This is us reclaiming our lives. This is us gaining courage from the girl who just died fighting.
Yes, it is difficult to live in a patriarchal world. But live we will. And rest assured, we won’t rest in peace.
