We won't Rest in Peace

I woke up at 6 in the morning today. Mumbai for a change is chilly these days. I tried to snuggle deeper into my blanket, forcing myself to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I was hurting from last night's argument with a beloved. I was hurting from the lack of understanding. Or rather, the indifference.

So, I switched on my laptop, thinking I'll watch the new season of BBT to distract myself. But before that I thought, "I must read the news." And there it was. "Delhi gang- rape victim succumbs to her injuries." Apparently, she fought hard and died "peacefully". I was stunned for a second. All of us have been closely following the case- the extent of her injuries, her fight for survival, the last ditch attempts by doctors to save her.

The constant, incessant coverage had somehow strengthened my belief that she would live. No matter what. That she would walk out the hospital one day. Be with her loved ones. And get justice.

Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. I felt my blood boiling and the tears welling up in my eyes. I felt anger. Betrayal. Sadness. A sinking feeling that all was lost. The world didn't feel worth living in or dying for.

This whole case had become a media circus. Fodder for panel discussions, reason for demonstrations, and an opportunity for our politicians to give their two- bit nonsensical opinions on how sorry they felt for her and in the same breath, how she should not have been out late and how she should have given in to the rapists-- it would have at least "saved her intestines." Really?! Can we get any more ridiculous? One can argue with logic and reason. Not with sheer stupidity.

It is just not fair. I am a woman. I want to live freely. Do as I wish. Study what I want and how much ever I want. Marry if and when I want. Go out where and when I want. I don't want to start my mornings with men leering at me at the railway station. Or waste time staring at my wardrobe and evaluating the appropriateness of my clothes. I don't want to worry about the time of the day or night. I don’t want to worry about whether my family understands me, whether my boyfriend gets me, whether my future husband will be a sexist douchebag or not. So what if I am a woman? Does that make me a lesser person? Does that give anyone the right to rule my life, my beliefs, and most of all my body?
 
No! And that’s not some feminist ranting as many would like me to believe. I just want to BE, damn it.

So what now? Now that she is no more, we will mourn her loss and move on in a few days. We will forget until another rape comes along to jar us out of our comfort zones. And why just rape? I am violated every single day- when a male friend gives me gyaan on how after TISS, he won’t be comfortable with a doormat for a wife but he’ d like her to limit her ‘feminist’ views. When another tells me that I am a fake feminist if I cry. When my relatives tell me I should get married, lest I should lose the glow on my face. When a female professor reprimands my friend for wearing a skirt to class. When I am made to doubt myself and my take on love, sex, and relationships by those close to me. When my bottom is pinched or my breasts ‘casually’ brushed against.

I am not going to take any of this lying down anymore. I am not going to feel like a prisoner in my mind, body, or soul. I don’t want pity. I don’t need to justify myself. And neither should YOU. Feminist or not. Woman or not. This is not us over- reacting, crying, or PMS- ing. This is us reclaiming our lives. This is us gaining courage from the girl who just died fighting.

Yes, it is difficult to live in a patriarchal world. But live we will. And rest assured, we won’t rest in peace.

Villages and Life.

Bhopa, Chatgaon, Kaari, and Tandalwadi are villages in the Beed district of Maharashtra. Five of us visited and stayed in these villages for two weeks last month. We had gone there to experience ‘rurality’. But what we experienced was beyond anything that we could have expected or hoped for. I had only been to a village once before- to Daudpur, one of the ‘richest villages’ in Punjab, in 2008. Even though I had seen poverty with the naked eye, I didn't quite understand its complexity and its many forms until my visit to Beed.

Beed lies in the Marathwada region and is notorious for its despicable sex ratio- 921 women for every 1000 men. Sex selective abortions are commonplace- Munde Hospital being the 'shining' example (two Labradors were apparently stationed in the hospital's compound to feed on the discarded girl foeti). Violence against women is an accepted reality. So is Caste System. Instances of atrocities against Dalits abound. And if you are a Dalit AND a woman...well, then you find yourself right at the bottom of the pyramid.

The moment I set foot in Beed, I felt like an alien. Not only because I was one of the 'city people' but because I was a girl. 24 and unmarried. 'Upper' caste. Living in Mumbai. Away from home and family.  And pursuing Masters. Some looked with shock. Some with awe. And some with disdain. We were tied up with an NGO that was meant to be our gateway to these villages. Each village had a person appointed as the karyakarta. S/he was not only a paid employee of the NGO, but one who had to be a living example of a responsible, sensitive and sensible citizen.

In each of the villages, we stayed in the village karyakarta’s home, which brought me the biggest revelation of the journey. It is said that India lives in her villages. It is also said that Indian culture and tradition is known for 'Atithi Devo Bhavah'. Well, both are facts albeit a slight but glaring modification—WE (the busy-with-our-lives, self- obsessed urban people) who usually get annoyed with our own relatives overstaying their visit at our homes, will simply not tolerate strangers intruding on our private space. But THEY, the karyakartas and their families, opened their hearts and homes for us, the bumbling and lost city slickers. Mind you, their monthly earnings are less than my weekly expenditure. And with everyone- from the the in- laws and the children to the family- owned cows and goats- sharing the one/ two- room, semi- pucca house, ‘private space’ now seems like a farce. And yet, they welcomed us, loved us and cared for us like their family. And within no time, I started adapting to their way of life and living.

I would get up in the morning and stand outside the house, brushing my teeth whilst the neighbours stared; then head to the fields with my girl friends, with mugs of water and soap to relieve ourselves; come back and have chai; help the family fill and carry water; have a bath in an open, waist- length, cubicle- like bathroom, which we tried our best to cover with our bedsheets and dupattas; eat poha everyday for breakfast; and then head out to meet the sarpanch, the gram sevak, the anganwadi worker, the police patil, the tanta- mukti committee and the villagers in general. We listened to their stories and shared ours, cracked jokes and shed tears. Each time, we were left surprised and inspired by their resilience and courage. Each time, we were angered by their views on women’s status, their education, and domestic violence. And each time, we felt encouraged by instances of changing attitudes and women empowerment. In the evening we would return, exhausted and burnt from the day’s work and the scorching sun, and treat ourselves to some kairi (raw mango) and dinner. And finally I would retire for the night, amongst ten others in the same room…

The experience made me give my life a long, hard look. I am a student of social work. I am passionate about human rights, feminism, current affairs, and the law. I get good grades. I have a healthy social life- great friends and a loving family. And yet, I crib. About the weather. About assignments. About my tiny hostel room. About my going- nowhere love life. About people. About my waist- line. In short, I take myself too seriously. 

But the fact is that for every 24 year- old, educated, single, independent, and healthy woman like me, there is also a 24 year- old, class VII pass, mother of two, who eats only after her husband and father-in-law have eaten, who starves herself so her kids won’t, who bears her husband’s fists so her kids wouldn’t have to, and who works day and night without getting a penny or thank you in return. 

I am not implying that one should feel better at the expense of other people’s miseries. But the least one can do is maintain a ‘broad outlook’. More so if that ‘one’ is a potential social worker like me, who must work under pressure and difficult circumstances all the time. To work with ‘vulnerable’ people, one has to live like them, experience their experiences, and understand their understanding of things, because no matter what anyone might say, WE are different from THEM. There are two Indias. There are two types of Indians. And so WE have to put in that much effort and show that much sensitivity to even begin to understand THEIR life. The sooner we accept this, the better it is for all. Because this is the first step in helping people to help themselves.